Sick Note

Or: Everything I Never Want to Talk About Again But Probably Will

Not me but me.

I’m so sick of perimenopause. I’m sick of talking about it. I’m sick of subscribing to newsletters about it. I’m sick of waiting for my period, or waiting for it to stop, and I’m sick of forgetting to swap out my hormone patch. I’m sick of hearing that every single physical and emotional malady I’m experiencing is probably a symptom of it.

Miranda July, I’ve loved you since Joanie 4 Jackie, I love you for writing All Fours, I do — but oh my dear god, I’m so sick of talking about it.

I’m sick of talking about how strength training is important, only to be countered with how great Pilates is. (They’re both great, but totally fucking different!) I’m sick of talking about how protein is essential for muscle maintenance, only to be told it’s just another fad diet. I’m sick of how every conversation with a woman my age eventually becomes a symposium on sleep, or stress, or supplements.

I’m sick of brands “centering” midlife women as if we’re an untapped market rather than actual people. I’m sick of walking 10,000 steps. I’m sick of getting 140 grams of protein. I’m sick of dark chocolate. I’m sick of reading about “embracing the Change.” (I’m sick of writing about it!) I don’t want to embrace the Change. I want to negotiate with it. Maybe talk to its manager.

I’m sick of the soft-marketing of red-light masks, GLP-1s, fillers, $200,000 facelifts, peptide serums, collagen gummies, vaginal rejuvenation, sculpting wands, lymphatic-drainage tools, gua sha. I’m sick of knowing the word blepharoplasty. I’m sick of Jones Road. I’m sick of Naomi Watts. I’m sick of my hair going gray, and I’m sick of not coloring it. I’m so fucking sick of self-care. I’m sick of being complimented for my skin. (How bad is my skin supposed to be?)

Good on them for getting the vocab, but I’m sick of my men-friends wanting to talk about perimenopause. I’m sick of podcasts hosted by wellness-y women who “want to normalize the conversation.” The conversation is normalized! It’s everywhere! Please, make it abnormal.

I guess what I mean to say is: what are you sick of?

This episode was brought to you by Amy Poehler’s incredible Emo Mom character from this past week’s SNL.